I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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