I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
