The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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