When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
