why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
