Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
