I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
