1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
