my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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