I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
