My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
