I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
