just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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