don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
