he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
