I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
