I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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