My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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