i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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