I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
