he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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