Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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