I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
