i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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