3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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