Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
