You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
