This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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