i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize