I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
