TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
