someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
