I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
