My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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