I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize