this just has baby written all over it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
