I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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