It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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