The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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