dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
