Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
