I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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