I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
