I love black thongs
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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