He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
