apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
