I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
