i was born a porn star she said
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
