What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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