He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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