took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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