Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
