I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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