My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
