just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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