I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
