Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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