On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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