Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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