I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
