I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
